1. Wake up.
In order to deal with a cat-poop-bed situation (a CPBS for short) you must be fully awake. Non-awakenedness may result in you ignoring the situation or thinking it is a good idea to touch the CPBS. This is undesirable.
2. Do Not Panic
It may seem appropriate to broadcast to your house-mates that a CPBS is in progress in this manner:
"ATTENTION. ATTENTION. A CAT HAS DEFECATED A PARASITIC WORM ON TO MY BED. ATTENTION. ATTENTION."
It may also seem desirable to blast an air horn or leap on to your house-mates. Resist these temptations. A CPBS is best handled alone, and your house-mates will appreciate not being awoken.
3. Do Not Lose Faith
During a CPBS it may seem like the world is crashing down around you. A small, fuzzy mammal has desecrated the holy personal space of your bed, and you may feel like your soul is being sucked into a black hole of misery and loneliness. If there really was a higher power, how could it let a cat do this to you? Wouldn't a higher power have a sense of justice?
Do not lose hope. These things are sent to test us. You will emerge a stronger and better person, if not slightly emotionally scarred. You are now equipped to handled whatever terrible situations you may encounter in life. One day, when you are a hostage at a bank that is being robbed by men with large guns, you will look gravely at the people around you and declare "I once handled a CPBS." They will look at you soberly and know you will take care of this situation. A CPBS is no laughing matter.
4. Remove Offending Mass
I realize that though my CPBS involved a parasitic worm and very little actual feces, CPBS can vary from cat to cat. Whatever offensive product has been deposited on your bed, remove it post-haste.
5. Remove Cat
Remove the cat from your chamber and close the door. Do not readmit the cat. Close the door firmly. Ignore all plaintive meowing. If you do not have a cat-proof door or you are time travelling from the Seventies and have a beaded curtain door, it is in your best interest to have a water bottle with which to spray the cat should it attempt to re-offend.
6. Remove Sheet
Do not sleep on the sheets affected by the CPBS. DO NOT.
7. Midnight Laundry
Midnight laundry may be the only pleasant part of dealing with a CPBS. Haul the affected sheets to the nearest washing machine and go to town with hot water and detergent. At this point, your house-mates may be awoken by the noise of the machine. This is acceptable. Washing needs to occur as soon as possible. Revel in the moonlight as you load the machine. Consider always doing your laundry at midnight.
8. Expect nightmares.
As I tried to sleep after the CPBS, I was haunted by strange nightmares. I dreamt that the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth kept bursting through my door and trying to kill me. The dream may have been representative of the invasion of the personal space of my bed by worms, or it may have been a metaphor for the plight of the proletariat. It's hard to say.
He has Marx written all over him
9. Shower Eternally
Be like Lady Macbeth and scrub that damned spot out until you go nuts. You'll feel dirty forever!
10. Break the News
You will eventually have to tell someone about the CPBS. It is good to reach out after such a traumatic experience. You will also have to discuss treatment for the cat. Good luck.
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